


All I Can Breathe is Your Life (I Just Don’t Want to Miss You Tonight)

by xDearDreamer



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Could be triggering, Louis can't deal, M/M, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-04
Updated: 2013-09-04
Packaged: 2017-12-25 14:40:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/954312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xDearDreamer/pseuds/xDearDreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s a normal day, as normal as the last. He gets up out of bed, careful not to disturb the other side and traipses to the kitchen. He only chances a quick look at his phone which tells him that it’s nine in the morning. He sighs; he never means to sleep in, usually Harry wakes him up at the proper time but Harry seems to forget about that a lot in the past year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Can Breathe is Your Life (I Just Don’t Want to Miss You Tonight)

 

 

_27 th November 2015_

Louis wakes up on a chilly November morning feeling cold. But isn’t it always cold in November?

He knows if he looks out the window the trees will be dripped in frost, seemingly naked without their leaves. No snow yet but it’s definitely to come by Christmas.

It’s a normal day, as normal as the last. He gets up out of bed, careful not to disturb the other side and traipses to the kitchen. He only chances a quick look at his phone which tells him that it’s nine in the morning. He sighs; he never means to sleep in, usually Harry wakes him up at the proper time but Harry seems to forget about that a lot in the past year.

He flips on the kettle to make Harry and him some tea, setting to work by grabbing their two favourite mugs and cleaning up everything as he goes so Harry won’t be mad at him. Harry would never really be angry but Louis knows that it gets on his nerves a little.

Once the teas are done he sets Harry’s on the bench and settles himself on the couch, warming his hands with his tea. He’s curled up into himself, his knees brought to his chest and his tea balancing precariously on top. Louis watches the steam rise between his slow sips.

He ignores the silence.

Louis’ tea goes cold barely half empty but he doesn’t mind, he just gets up from his comfortable spot and tips the rest into the sink.

He ignores Harry’s untouched tea.

He pads softly back to their room, careful not to wake Harry who is usually up before him but seems to be sleeping in. Louis quietly gets changed from the sweats he was sleeping in to some comfy and loose jeans and one of Harry’s tops, the Ramones one that Harry wears so often. He frowns as he sniffs it. It doesn’t smell like Harry, it smells like Louis. Louis pulls off the shirt and tries another, grimacing as this one just smelt like the soap they used. He takes that one off too and grabs the next shirt, not bothering to put it on but just holding it to his nose and smelling it. If Harry walked in at that moment Louis was sure he would laugh at Louis but Louis really couldn’t help it, if he wanted to wear his boyfriends clothes (mainly the ones that smelled like him) then why not?

Louis tries another and another until he glumly picks the Ramones one again and slips it on, having no luck finding one that had Harry’s scent. At least this shirt was still way too big on Louis, which was exactly how he liked Harry’s shirts to be. He may act annoyed with Harry whenever he brings up their height difference but he secretly loves it. He loves everything about them together. He loves Harry more than anything.

Louis grins to himself and only glances at the bed when he walks out of the room calling a quick “Get up, babe,” to Harry as he goes.

He ignores the fact that the bed is empty.

Louis ends up back on the couch, flicking on the TV to look at it while infomercials play endlessly. He stays there for what feels like hours until there’s a knock on the door. Louis scrambles up to answer it; lazy days weren’t fun when Harry wasn’t participating so it would be nice to have a visitor. He sprints to the door; bypassing the kitchen on his way and pulling it wide open to reveal Liam, his band-mate.

“Li!” Louis grins, stepping back to let him through, Liam smiles wanly at Louis but Louis pays it no mind, running his hand over Liam’s newly shaven head as he walks past. “New do!”

“Yeah, thought I’d change it up,” Liam nods, “I actually came here to see if you wanted to have a drive with me,”

“A drive?” Louis repeats, “Is there something you need to tell me?” Liam and he only ever had car trips when Liam needed to talk to him and didn’t really want to talk about it with Harry.

“Yeah,” Liam grimaces, wincing a little, Louis knows that this is serious, “But we could do it here since…” Liam trails off, glancing at Louis worriedly.

“No, no, that’s fine, Harry’s sleeping so I’ll just send him a text to tell him where I am, and grab some shoes,” Louis beams, but falters when he see’s concern in Liam’s brown eyes.

“Uh, sure Lou, I’ll be in the car,” Liam pulls a smile Louis knows is fake onto his face, Louis chooses to ignore that too, Liam will probably address it in the car.

“I’ll be out in two,” Louis grins, running back into his house to grab his phone, typing a message out to ‘My hazza <3’ in his contacts. It’s just a simple _going out with Liam, tea’s on the bench, love_ and then he’s pocketing the blackberry and slipping on a pair of toms. He takes a coat from their coat rack as an afterthought and shuts the door behind him. 

“So what’s up Li?” Louis asks as soon as he’s in the car. Liam takes a deep breath as he starts the car and pulls out of Louis and Harry’s driveway. Louis is patient and waits for Liam to be ready to reply, he keeps on looking over at Louis with worry and Louis can’t help but wonder why but he pushes that to the back of his mind because it was probably nothing.

“Lou you do realize-… actually never mind,” Liam shakes his head, “can’t do that to you,” he mumbles under his breath but Louis again ignores it.

“You can tell me anything,” Louis assures Liam as they drive. Liam is silent, and so is the car, just the steady thrum of the engine to fill the space. Louis can see wrinkles in Liam’s forehead, the ones that only came when he was debating something in his head.

“Lou- I- how did you know you loved Harry?” Liam settles at last, pulling into a park on the side of the road.

“Well…” Louis grins and is about to launch into a story.

“If you don’t want to talk about him, I understand,” Liam interrupts quickly but Louis shakes his head.

“Of course I want to talk about him you dope,” Louis replies and quickly begins his story, “It was back in xfactor, we were just going to sleep but I just couldn’t, didn’t feel complete, like I didn’t have everything with me,” Louis smiles and shakes his head again, this time out of wonder, how did he get so lucky? “I went up to Harry’s bunk, because I had made a habit of doing that when I couldn’t sleep and I found him fast asleep and- don’t laugh Liam- but I snuck into his bunk and even in his sleep he moved so I could fit and we kind of cuddled, with Harry, right then, I felt complete, like nothing could hurt me, hurt us, it was… it was… I don’t even know how to describe it, it’s a great feeling,” Louis drops his head, trying to hide his wide grin. He feels a hand on his shoulder and tilts his head up to see Liam, turned to face him now they had stopped driving, with glassy eyes.

“And did Harry ever tell you how he knew he loved you?” Liam asks and Louis nods.

“Yeah, he said that it was when we’re talking on our bunks, a little bit later and he asked if we were all going to still be best mates even if our band didn’t win, he asked me if we were going to be forever, I told him always, we were always going to be best mates, no matter what,” Louis starts laughing a little after that, staring straight ahead. “We didn’t end up being just ‘best mates’ for long though, Harry and I,”

Liam chuckles along with Louis, he knows that bit, Louis and Harry couldn’t keep their hands off each other for long periods of time in the xfactor house.

“It’s weird to think it’s been four years since xfactor, four years and Harry and I are still going strong,” Louis smiles and turns to Liam who looks kind of shocked, “Go for it Liam, he likes you back,”

“How did you know it was Niall?” Liam asks and Louis just grins wider.

“I didn’t,” he smirks and sees Liam think back to what Louis had said. He groans into his hands.

“Smart arse,” Liam shakes his head, and starts the car, pulling into a u-turn and driving back to Harry and Louis’ flat. “Please don’t tell anyone,” Liam says and Louis frowns, usually their conversations would end in _Please don’t tell anyone, not even Harry,_ but Louis ignores it, Liam probably forgot. He just nods his head and they fall into silence.

It’s a short drive, not different from many others, except Liam and Louis just sit in a peaceful quiet the whole way back. Louis knows the real reason for the drive was in fact, not to talk about Niall, but to talk about something else.

“Here you are, Lou,” Liam smiles as he drives into their driveway.

“Are you going to tell me the real reason for taking me out?” Louis asks suddenly, and Liam just sighs.

“Lou, we’re all worried about you,” Liam says, leaning over from the driver’s side as Louis moves to get out.

“Worried about me? Why?” Louis asks, and Liam shakes his head, tears glistening in his eyes.

“We all know you loved him, but isn’t it time to move on? It’s been a year, you can’t keep living like this,” Liam’s tone turns to pleading.

“It’s love,” Louis corrects quietly and he sees Liam tilt his head in confusion, “I _love_ him, it’s not fucking past tense,” Louis growls, “and to hell if I can’t, I’ll live how I like,” Louis spits out, clambering out of the car door and slamming it shut. Liam tries to get out of his car.

“Don’t you fucking dare step a foot on this property, get back in your car,” Louis threatens, tears spilling out of his eyes. “Leave me alone,”

“Louis we’re just trying to-” Liam beings helplessly.

“No, you’re not, just go Liam,” Louis backs away from the car, only a few steps away before he’s running into his home.

Now his pretences come crashing down.

Louis runs into his room, ignoring everything except the letter he sees, on his bed side table. It’s always been there, it hasn’t moved for a year. Since Louis had first dropped it there after reading it. He picks it up carefully, opening it to read. He doesn’t know why, he’s got it memorised, the words seared into his brain.

 

 

_Dear Lou,_

_I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry, I don’t know how you’ll forgive me, I kind of hope you never do, I’m being so selfish, I know I am._

_I just, I’m sorry boo, I need to get this down before I go._

_Do you remember that park you took me too? The one with the huge waterfall? Beautiful place to go, really, I’m glad you took me there._

_This isn’t your fault Lou, it’s never your fault okay? I’m happy with you, I’m so happy, you make me so happy, but I need to get away. I can’t live like this anymore. The rumours, the lies, the pressure, it just gets too much._

_I’m sorry if this is unreadable, I’m kind of shaking right now, I’m not nervous, or scared, just glad; really, glad that this is all over._

_Please don’t waste too much time over me, I’m not worth it, I never was really. I always wondered why you kept trying with me, even when everything was against us, you never stopped trying, and you never gave up. I really admire that because I’m giving up in a sense._

_Please tell the boys that I love them, and tell my Mum, and Gemma, and Robin, and my Dad and everyone, just tell everyone that I love them._

_Tell yourself that I love you, please, tell me that you love me too when you come visit, you don’t have to visit often but once in a while would be nice._

_I’m so sorry, boo._

_I love you_

_Harry_

The words are tear stained, the ink running in many places but to Louis it didn’t matter, because he knew it already.

Louis can remember the day clearly, 13th of November 2014, he remembers running to the park, trying to get there. Desperately trying to get there even if he knew it was too late. He remembers screaming when he saw Harry’s body, lying mangled in the centre of a web of cracks in the lakes frozen surface, just like the web of lies their management had spun because Louis and Harry couldn’t be together in the public eye. He remembers hands grabbing at him, pulling him back so he wouldn’t try and get to where Harry was. He remembers tears flying from his eyes. He remembers paramedics gently moving Harry onto the grass.

Then he remembers being allowed to run.

He remembers reaching Harry and just screaming, his face screwed up in anguish. He remembers pulling Harry close, carding his fingers through Harry’s hair and rocking him back and forth. He remembers pleading to Harry to wake up, not to leave him.

He remembers the people, standing back and just watching, they couldn’t do anything, they were too late. They were all too late.

He remembers that he blamed himself worst of all, because shouldn’t he have noticed? Shouldn’t he have loved Harry better?

He remembers quiet words from someone, he can’t recall the person, they were soothing and Louis allowed himself to go pliant. To be pulled away and just cry, and shake, he was always shaking.

Now he’s noticing things he ignored before.

He notices the silence, the one that pierces the air. He notices that the other side of the bed is untouched. He notices Harry’s discarded phone is displaying close to 400 unread messages from Louis over the year. He notices, as he sprints into the kitchen that Harry’s tea is still there, cold and untouched. He notices that he can’t smell Harry anymore. He notices that Harry hasn’t woken him up every morning.

He notices Harry isn’t here. He hasn’t for a year.

 Louis is angry now, mad at Harry, how dare Harry leave him? Hadn’t Harry promised forever?

He remembers everything, like every touch they shared was magnified to 1000 and thrown at him all at once. He remembers lazy mornings and busy days. Memories of the days their management told them they couldn’t sit together, they couldn’t touch each other, that necklace of Harry’s couldn’t be worn.

Louis realizes that Liam is right. Louis can’t keep _living_ like this.

He chucks the tea at the wall, and his phone too. He throws himself round, beating everything he can touch and he’s screaming too, anything to fill the deafening silence that’s filling his ears.

He’s hurting, and not just physically, his heart aches and so does his mind. His body can’t take living without Harry. It’s like Harry was the one giving Louis the air to breathe and the rhythm to his heart.

Without him, without pretending, Louis is nothing.

Red eyed and quiet now, Louis fumbles for his car keys, he needs to get out of this home. No, this building, it isn’t home without Harry here. He runs out of the house and sprints to his car. Within seconds he’s driving but he’s still remembering and it bloody hurts.

He’s remembering dazzling green eyes and chocolate brown curls. He’s remembering wide smiles and youthful openness. He’s remembering dimples, and long limbs.

He’s remembering warm hugs and nice jumpers.

He’s remembering Harry and the way they used to be.

 

 

*

_28 th November 2015_

Louis wakes up on a chilly November morning feeling cold. But isn’t it always cold in November?


End file.
